I’m voting at home with mom and kid. And Apple pie. It’s the first rainy day of the season and this is a great autumn activity and opportunity for education. I always appreciate generational collaboration when voting!

As a woman I cannot ignore the level of misogyny bombarding the airwaves today. From the social media funneled to my 17-year-old son (holy shit!) to what I listen to on the radio, to the origin of the word ‘pussy,’ there is a complete lack of understanding about patriarchy’s toxic influence on men and boys.

I am frustrated that people don’t have the language to talk about misogyny towards men, and I think, for many men, even to study gender studies would be ‘gay’ (aka weak, or pusillanimous, we’ll get back to that word in a minute). We need a men’s movement that studies this shit. I think good-meaning men feel their issues aren’t valid.

A man in my family circle said that he felt like he could not complain because women had it worse, and so he didn't deserve to take up space or to feel bad. This is the root of why we don't have a healthy men's movement. It is a travesty because these feminist men are the men that have rejected patriarchy enough to actually feel their emotions and embrace this work. I recommended the book by Bell Hooks, The Will to Chang: Men, Masculinity and Love. She is a feminist author that recognizes this issue and addresses it head-on.

I was shocked when my seventeen-year old son started reporting that everything he sees and hears, both in school and on social media, is pro-Trump and anti-Kamala. I can’t even get my social media to show me the videos that were bombarding him, the algorithm just won’t give it up - our phones are living in two different universes.

One of my proudest moments was when my kid was ten and someone bigger picked on him for being small, and I witnessed him say “don’t shame me,” successfully putting the other kid in his place. I have a feeling that in his high school, saying you were in favor of a woman for president would require any boy to have a similarly strong sense of self and know his footing with regard to this misogynistic bullshit. But in politics today, my son just doesn’t feel he knows enough to say anything, so he is tuning out.

Another shocker was that wonderfully loving father in my familial circle said that Kamala is a Jezebel. Holy fuck batman. Now that’s just pure sexism, racism and misogyny combined. Can you imagine a teenage boy trying to stand up to his peers in combating this? Let’s dig into that archetype for a minute. The Jezebel stereotype portrays African-American women as hyper-sexual and greedy. The biblical origin brands Jezebel as a harlot for her crime of telling Elijah, in the bible “If you are Elijah, so I am Jezebel,” essentially, standing up to him as his equal. That is what feminism seeks to do, to stand up as equals: in money, in power, and in sexuality.

Boys are not prepared to stand up to misogyny. We don’t teach them to and dads usually don’t know how. I think girls get more education on how to stand up to sexism (even though it is still hard). If men are going to start doing so, they are going to need our support with regard to language and deep understanding of the issues.

“In feminist thought, misogyny also includes the rejection of feminine qualities. It holds in contempt institutions, work, hobbies, or habits associated with women. It rejects any aspects of men that are seen as feminine or unmanly.” Wikipedia

My son says that nobody at school teases gay or trans kids, but boys still get bullied for acting like a ‘girl.’ A language issue that gets in the way of people articulating how patriarchy and misogyny negatively affect men and boys is the previous mis-use and mis-understanding of the word homophobia. We used to call-out homophobia when men or boys were teased for being weak, gentle, or sensitive. For those of us in the know, we now have a more nuanced understanding of gender and no-longer wrongly attribute the fear of demure/sensitive traits in men to being gay, so the word homophobia doesn’t apply. We lost the word we previously (mis)-used to describe gentle men that are heterosexual. This condition of toxic masculinity, (a sucky term because it sounds to men like they are under an attack), is left unchecked due to a lack of vocabulary.

Teasing boys for being feminine is a classic example of misogyny, which best describes someone who EITHER hates women OR ‘feminine’ traits in men. (By the way, I consider said traits super sexy and the epitome of the mature masculinity). My opinion is that misogyny towards men is destructive to everybody. If we cannot name it, then we can’t discuss what is happening in politics today. My concern is that if boys try to call it out (either as misogyny or toxic masculinity), they will further put themselves in the position of being ‘gay,’ or a pussy. It truly is a toxic situation that men need to deal with, but how can they do so if they don’t have allies? And many women are also misogynistic towards men who express their emotions or act sensitive.

I have been listening to a political talk show on the radio where the idea of misogyny has come up and I felt the speakers inadequately addressed it. These were educated, moderate to liberal men talking. The two men who called into the discussion said they didn't like how the democrats appeared 'weak,' but that it wasn’t an issue of sexism. They said that the appearance of taking action that Trump brings is attractive, versus the slow democrats who don't stand up aggressively to atrocities. This was an insightful perspective, and it is so important to me to listen. Both of these men self-identified as black, but my opinion is they probably speak for most men. They were saying this wasn't sexist. This is where things get tricky with sexism and misogyny.

I tend to agree that this is not sexist against Kamala, rather the reason the holed the opinion in the first place is the misogyny they have experienced themselves, which teaches men to value brute force over fortitude, action over careful thought, and aggression over moderation. Specifically, this value system is true for our European colonizers. There are cultures where listening and judicious speaking are valued by men. But in mainstream America, most men need to show hyper-masculine traits to thrive economically (and socially, unless they are in a subculture). It’s no wonder that these traits of showy brute force and aggression are being valued by men today. Men don't want to be associated with the weak side. Biden was already perceived as weak, but throwing a woman on top of it is too much. This is the effect of misogyny.

Now for Pussy, originally a shortened version of the word "pusillanimous," meaning weak. If you look it up you will find an example of it used to shame a soldier who breaks away, or is a coward, in the face of aggression; he is shamed for his cowardliness. This man is a 'pussy.' By associating him and this word with the female, he is debased to the lowest denominator.

I'd like to pound it in that when referring to a vagina the origin of the word 'pussy' is different, from the old German word puse, which means pocket. This is a much more apt description, as our pussies are a vessel, and they both take it and give it pretty hard. So, men, I understand that you have a weakness for pussy; this is your weakness, not ours. Stop associating the two. Now, if we could just get that all sorted…

As a women, I think we need to make space for men to express their grievances of sexism, not so much in regard to misandry, although I will listen to that too, but more with regard to misogyny. Grieving is something we all need to do, and when emotions have been suppressed for a long time, they can lead to aggression and anger. There is a lot of suppressed emotional feelings that men experience about the way misogyny and patriarchy has oppressed them, too. By recognizing that, as women, we are part of the patriarchal system and also responsible for this oppression we can help men grow so that they are less sexist today and in future generations.  Now that we have fixed most of the structural issues of sexism, in the US, I think we have the capacity to hold space for this. We won't heal as a society unless we do.